Chapter 15: I am not good enough. Am I?

– Start my own blog? Do you mean like writing something and posting it somewhere for everybody to read?

– Yes. Except it is not writing something, but writing about your extreme makeover journey. About all the steps you have taken to lose 60 pounds. And posting it not just somewhere but on a well-established blogging platform, such as WordPress for example.

– I can’t, can I? I mean what if somebody reads it?

– Ha ha ha ha, – Coco can’t stop laughing – I hope somebody reads it, yes. This is the whole purpose of a blog.

– But what if people who read it will think I suck at writing, that I am not good enough?

– Never mind, – Coco chuckles, – you just told me last week that sucking at something is the stage one of getting kind of good at it.

Now it is my turn to laugh out loud.

– You know, J, – Coco continues, – thinking that you are not good enough often results in punishing yourself by overeating and getting overweight, by inventing fantastic things and sharing none of them with the world.

– What things Coco?

– Your weight loss for example. You have lost 11 pounds already, and you have not told a soul about it.

– Yes, but…

– Remember with what enthusiasm you have been talking about a structured water resistant sports bag, made out of material which holds its shape for years, with compartments for sports clothes, shoes, towel, food packaged in plastic containers, compartment for laptop and papers, an all-in-one bag for women who do not want to carry around sport bags, lady’s bags and laptop bags loaded like Silk Road camels?

– Yes.

– Have you made a prototype?

– No, not really.

– Have you shown it to the world?

– No.

– Do you remember how enthusiastic you were about a pair of nutrient-infused tights made out of this special material of yours? The perfect pair of tights that set free extra energy necessary to jump-start our fitness? The tights that promote our ability to exercise daily or simply increase our energy levels to get more done in a day?

– Yes, I remember.

– Have you made a tights prototype yet?

– No, not really.

– Have you shown it to the world?

– No.

– Do you remember the wonder bra you have developed?

– Yes, I remember.

– Have you made a prototype yet?

– No, not really.

– Have you shown it to the world?

– No.

– Why?

– I don’t know. I am too busy … may be.

– Are you? Are you really too busy? Or are you just afraid? Afraid of all this happiness and success you will enjoy once fit, afraid of all the recognition and appreciations coming from people enjoying your bag, your bra, your perfect tights?

– I don’t know, – I feel tears coming up, my chest is hurting, – It is just… I kind of don’t believe it is possible. Somehow, I don’t believe I can make it. You know, I am always surprised when people like me, because I kind of don’t believe I am worth it to be liked. – The storm of heat is rising to my head once I say that. I am not crying but tears are boiling somewhere behind my eyes. – I am just … not … good enough … somehow…

We sit in silence on my West side balcony.

– I am glad it is out, J. – Coco takes my hands into hers. – Repeat after me: Even though…

– Even though

– I am not good enough…

– I am not good enough

– I love and accept myself.

– I love and accept myself.

– Take a deep breath and breathe out with sound of relieve. Good. And again …I am not good enough …

– I am not good enough

– I AM good enough

– I AM good enough

– Take a deep breath and exhale. – Coco releases my hands and walks slowly to the railing. It is late afternoon and the sun is playing safe on the edge of the horizon.

– You are very healthy, J. – Coco says softly without moving her head. – There is no reason for you to be overweight. Once you get rid of all this anger and sadness piled up in years of thinking you are not good enough, – you will drop to your normal weight fast and easy. And you will never look back.

– How can I stop thinking something I thought for 36 years? – I rub my forehead and my eyes. Both feel dry and hot.

– Just stop. Be yourself. Starting with today take it as an axiom that you ARE good enough. Remember I have told you about the fat burning and life changing side effect?

– Yeah, I remember, but you never told me what it was.

– Not only your body is cleaning itself by losing weight, your mind enters the big clean. Meeting your limiting beliefs face to face – is the main side effect.

I get up and join Coco at the railing watching over the river and the setting sun. Coco continues.

– Start a blog and post there everything happening to you on your way to fitness. Make the prototypes of the products you have told me about and test them. Once they pass the testing period – I will be your first wholesale buyer. I want to have them by the end of May, ok? It is time for you to embrace reversed paranoia, to start expecting the whole world to benefit you. Please understand, the world is warm and honest, the world wants more for you then you want for yourself.

The world wants more for me, than I want for myself – echoes my mind.